The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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