Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
