Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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