I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
