before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
