You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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