RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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