Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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