Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My feet surprised me
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