We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
