I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
