theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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