I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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