If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
