we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
