Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
