The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Found the puke drawer
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
