Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
