You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
