I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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