Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
This show inspires me to have sex in space
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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