it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
