I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
