When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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