When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
