i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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