so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
