I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
