He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
