I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
