i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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