I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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