I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
