I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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