I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
