Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
