Your mouth is God's brothel.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
