How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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