Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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