It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
