just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
