He is such a slut. More and more my type.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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