i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
