was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
