Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
