Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
