i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
