Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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