i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
