I am puke
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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