I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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