Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
