I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
